2005-12-12
Altitude/Latitude- New Years' Revulsions (the Official Guest Entry Of His-Holiness)
Editor's note: The Rev. Klugarsh was asked to provide a guest entry for Ms. Clipchick this week. He kept sending me scraps of paper covered in pornographic doodlings, with occasional scribbles of words I could only make out after several martinis. It seems they were suggestions for topics. I finally convinced him that a prison term was not for him, and we settled on this.
It's coming. Stop trying to deny it. You can't, however much willpower you muster, cause the coming New Year to fuck off. It won't go away.
Make your peace.
I know that the New Year, like birthdays (which are, effectively, the same thing), are the Great Big Calendar Reminer that yo ass ain't gettin' no younger. Oh how well I know it. This year I turned 31, and found my first Grey Chest Hair. I know how unpleasant these reminders can be.
But we must remain strong. We must forge on.
Now somewhere in the path of human history it was decided that new Years' Resolutions were a good idea. It was decided that we should all take part in this fiasco of broken promises to ourselves. The owners of the countless Fitness Clubs litering our country have grown fat off the dollars provided by our lack of staying power.
In theory I can see a point to this. At a turning point we should create for ourselves a list of notions which we believe would make us better people. This is a fine & noble thing. Most of us should be better people.
It is in the spirit of this that I present to you the Rev. Sinclair Klugarsh New Year 2005/2006 Resolutions List:
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1) I resolve to avoid the pitfalls of societal pressure by continuing to smoke like a fucking chimney.
2) I resolve to drink in public, during the day, far more frequently.
3) I resolve to get my kid brother laid.
4) I resolve to send pissy letters to late night talk show hosts (specifically Jay Leno to tell him off for his seemingly endless stream of Camilla Parker Bowles Ugly Jokes. Who the fuck is Leno to be telling ugly jokes? Sexist bastard).
5) I resolve to pee on more people.
6) I resolve to tell more people about my vasectomy, and suggest the procedure as a wonderful gift for any occasion.
7) I resolve to own more socks.
8) I resolve to topple the Roman Catholic Church.
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There, that seems a nice, tidy list.
In other news, I decorated an X-Mas tree today. I feel unclean.
clipchick at 1:14 a.m.
All thoughts, ideas, and musings are � Clipchick. Please don't snipe my stuff!
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